me me me

It is your birthday, and I have something special for you, something I wouldn't give just anyone: a plain English, un-cryptic, glimpse of... me. Ha!

I blog because I have an over-inflated sense of my literary ability but am not creative enough to tackle anything more sophisticated. I have this blog because it's a less stressful alternative to emailing. Email is so, 1-on-1, I can't help but wait for a reply. Not as in demand it; more like the same way I don't say something to someone without expecting some kind of reaction howsoever minimal. Whereas here, feedback is strictly icing-on-the-cake, as opposed to end-in-itself. (BUT do not tell me that you'd-comment-except-that-nobody-else-has. What is this, primary school? Yeah, you know who you are. *death glare*)

How was that b'day girl? You think the Doc will take the hint and help me honour my pledge to you? :p Anyway, moving along...

I am ready to leave home. Physically and (I detest this word even if I do embrace the concept) emotionally. To sever that invisible umbilical cord. I'll always want to do more for my family than is within my means or my will. But what I want for them is not necessarily what they want, or need. And in all fairness they ask very little of me; it's just that, of that which they do, I am largely incapable of delivering. So there's no point trying too hard. <= If that sounds negative it's not intended to. This attitude is best for everyone.

My world is very small at the moment. I can count with my socks on the number of people I have regular contact with. Beyond that I'm neither able nor willing to make an effort. It's pathetic, I know, and I hope it's only a phase - 'cos I'm getting bored with the lot I've been hangin' out with... Seriously though, unhappy ppl depress me, happy ppl embitter me, stupid ppl annoy me, intelligent ppl intimidate me, lazy ppl aggravate me, ambitious ppl frustrate me, etc. you get the picture. A no-win situation if you ask me, this socialising business. So I'm laying low.

I have the services of 1 or 2 toll-free, on call, albeit unlicensed, therapists. I feel blessed as anyone would to have someone put up with my endless repetitive BS. But more than that I am worried and scared. Because said therapists happen to be people I love and need, and I don't know what I'll do when at last my BS drives them away. How to not give my worst to the ones who matter the most, is by far my greatest dilemma.

I am amazed that I've liked (for want of any adequate yet un-melodramatic word) someone for this long (longer than I've had any job or serious hobby) and with an intensity so out of proportion to my limited knowledge and understanding of the person. In spite of everything, it is a good thing what happened to me. Comforting, for one, to know that contrary to previous suspicions I too am possessed of the full spectrum of human emotions. Not a day goes by that I don't think about what I could've done differently so that things wouldn't have turned out as badly as they have. But since time travel is unlikely to become commercially available in our lifetimes, I can but take my lessons and move on. I don't know when or where or for whom I'll feel this way again, but I look forward to it all.

days of being wild

... these are not. But it is never a bad time for instant mee goreng and Karen Mok in concert.

Oh Karen, must you have an awesome voice and unbelievable legs. You can give me the voice. I mean, if you're gonna undress down to black bikini, wrap strips of black spandex over strategic parts of yourself, roll around atop a piano, in a bathtub, on the floor, all seductive and wet and dirtylike, you could be howling kindergarten favourites at the same time for all anyone knew or cared. *pant* On second thought: you keep the voice, I'll take the legs instead if you don't mind 'kthx.

Listening to my body clock = sleeping by day + procrastinating by night. Hearing birds awake, sprinklers come on, seeing the sun crawl up over the neighbour's fence - I try not to think about the more eventful existences most of my fellow Earthans are undoubtedly leading at this very moment.

Too much sleep. My body must be greedily catching up on the backlog of sleep that's been accumulating since 2003.

Even with the resultant shorter days, however, there is still more time than I know what to do with - because there is so much to learn that I don't know where to begin (makes sense in my head alright?). Yes learn, as distinguishable from revise.

Pride Month has completely slipped me by. Tried to tap into any repository of regret or guilt that might've been laying dormant within me, to no avail. Haven't turned my back on the Community, I don't think; not running towards it with open arms either. In times of meeting-minimum-requirements-for-graduation, some degree of bleh-ness ought to be forgiveable.

N Frank

N's MSN display ID currently reads:

where has the warmness of our hearts gone, freezing is the day

Hun, what are ya, like, Anne Frank but 5 yrs ahead?

AA

Not as in, Alcoholics Anonymous. Because I don't have a drinking problem. <= which could just mean that I've yet to complete Step 1

Nor is this about things that run on AA batteries, as much fun as some of these are to talk about (as well as, of course, to operate).

I am, instead, referring to Affirmative Action. Euphemistic or not, counterproductive or not, to me it is something to be avoided like a plague. As the vice-principal's kid who survived the entire 6 yrs of primary school at the mercy of her mother's archrival, the ESL-eligible 'new arrival' who opted to top English Lit, the delivery girl who fought the boys for the blacklisted addresses, I've always played fair the only way that I know how.

So when it occurs to me that maybe what got me over the line in recent prospecting activities, was the interesting CV or the unusual degree combo or the 'international dimension' (it's okay I'm cringing as I type this; some modesty remains) or even just the second X chromosome, tiny chills throttle up and down my spine.

breadth reduction

This post came into existence solely so I can have the above phrase appear on this page. But since I'm here anyway...

As of yesterday I no longer get to answer cryptically "freelance lab-rat" when asked what I do for $$$.

It feels like coming out of a long and tortuous relationship that ended long after it should have. Not that I have the slightest idea what long-term relationships look like; but I imagine they're all much the same (no offence to anyone reading); and then again that could just be me channeling Queen of Bitter.

I will always be grateful for these 3 yrs, because

• It is extremely unlikely (though one can always hope) that I'll ever stumble upon another organisation willing to hire such underqualified ppl (meaning myself, not colleagues).
• I realised that I don't belong in Science, or maybe Science doesn't belong in me - in so many ways. Which I always suspected, but had to make sure, 'cos how could I hastily dismiss the only thing in which I have the smallest aptitude (meaning bluffing/fudging, not sciencing). Oh wait, I haven't passed it up, look where I'm going...
• Academics... what can I say, they make absolutely no sense, yet I understand them completely. Scary, really.
• I found Other Mother.

So, time for self-imposed house arrest. Could be a tad embarassing to fail final semester and have to explain that to prospective employer. And at the moment that risk is 'real and substantial', as opposed to 'far-fetched and fanciful'. <= would you believe the junk that passes for 'legal tests'...

Also - impulse shopping: n. a hereditary condition of disparate manifestations.

killing me softly

Strumming my pain with her trotters. Singeing my life... No more!

Sent off my last ever (*fingers & toes crossed* *touch wood* *say a little prayer*) piggy today. Back to being a regular pig exterminator (nope, haven't become vegetarian - yah I'm abominable). Oh how I've longed for this day!

So what will I take with me from this period of my life?

• "It looks so much like a human." - transplant surgeon / spectator of our crime and reaper of its fruits

And she does. From the texture of her skin, the eyelashed eyes, the fingernails capable of doing serious damage to my forearms, to the body heat that peaks during the wrestle but shortly disappears. I hope I'll be as lucky as Clarice, and not endure the screaming for eternity.

• a partner in crime is a friend in time

I may never know him better than I do right this moment, which is next to nothing, but I'll remember his \\ blood-stained pants out of which he has nothing to change into for the rest of the day \\ contempt for researchers who don't want to get their hands dirty \\ (possibly work-induced) dislocation-prone shoulder and (definitely work-induced) deteriorating hearing \\ lamenting our way-of-starting-the-day \\ tremendous affection for his fiance \\ mainstream taste in, yet endearing commentary on, TV programmes...

• deluxe model metallic peristaltic pump + concentrated nitric acid = trouble + professional suicide

I've really let my Yr 11 chemistry teacher down. For some reason (which shall elude me until the end of time) one sunny afternoon it occurred to me to 'clean' the rusty ol' pump by putting it in our tub of industrial-strength HNO3. Overnight. Did somebody say perish-taltic. The carnage attracted several bewildered onlookers, some gently concealed wrath of my colleagues, as well as the Occupational Health & Safety folk.

• Ideal Job pre-requisite #7: must make me feel that I'm earning my keep

In this case I stopped feeling that since, mid-July? And shocking as it sounds, especially to myself, no amount of fortnightly deposits into my bank account made up for that escalating sense of my wanton destructiveness. Not that I don't absolutely appreciate the deposits. Once or twice I caught myself wishing I had more time (rank helps too) to explain to The Team why I think \\ the experimental design is a total dud / should be scrapped forthwith \\ we could do more to promote the sharing / waste-minimisation of precious animal tissue \\ I want a less non-interventionist Supervisor 'kthx.

But, by-gones! Yay x No. times I hauled a pig carcass into a freezer full of pig carcasses.

unsolicited

Purport: spin-doctoring for a spun-out doctor-to-be
Substance: the usual head-in-ass self-aggrandising crap
Premise: don't worry be happy

not liking everything about yourself?

• you're a rational, perceptive, conscientious individual who always strives to better yourself.
• keep your perceived inadequacies to yourself. bluff, and the world will laugh with you.

all work and no play make for gloomy days?

• fun is a state of mind. conceal well with a stern, studious exterior.
• work now, rule later.

contemplating infidelity?

• see above.
• for a member of the Developed West (be it nations or suburbs), you have attained a level of Enlightenment which most never will - namely, that of Heart Over Head.

experiencing alcohol withdrawal?

• good. maybe your liver will have a chance after all.

having difficulties meeting like-minded people?

• you're fiercely individual, and should shun anyone who attempts to stifle your essence. Woody Allen put it best: never belong to a club that would have you as a member.
• besides, more friends => more drinking/whining/infidelity => less time for introspection/world domination/rehabilitating your liver. not worth it, I say.

unsure, anxious, scared even - about the direction your life is headed?

• congratulations. at last we have proof that you're human.
• forget the destination. remember the scenic routes.

moon, cake, time

Happy mid-"autumn" darlings. It's like, the Chinese Christmas, with nicer weather, yummier food, and more things to do. At least in China, back in the days, it was. Oh I nostalgiate.

Every year on this day CCTV puts on a celebratory extravaganza for all to ogle at Middle Kingdom's economic, cultural, and pyrotechnic prowess. Homesick as I get, I get sucked in every time even if it means subjecting myself to more communist propaganda in one sitting than the rest of the year combined.

This year the show's held in Xiamen. Barely a few seconds in, I was going to pieces. My city is really pretty, people! Quite apart from the no-expenses-spared fireworks and insane festive lighting. I don't do Descriptive so you'll have to go see it for yourselves one day.

Somebody thought it'd be fun to put a White Grand Piano on the beach of Gulangyu aka 'Drumming Waves Island' - not the sandy part, but on a tiny platform raised from the sea - and have a beautiful young couple play a duet on it. Can I just say, hott! (Now don't go pinchin' the idea for your wedding; I saw it first!)

And of course, my heart melted to the Sounds of My Childhood. The perennial classics that no remotely Chn person could possibly love-less-than-whole-heartedly - mostly to do with the moon, family, belonging, drifting, and not being able to have the cake & eat it too. The theme songs of Taiwanese soap operas (which mum used to let me stay up and watch with her, and which nourished the sentimental over-dramatic members of my multiple personalities) - performed by the original artists. The boy band I and every other girl at primary school adored (ahh even I fit in once) - fascinating to see the young adults in the audience tonight singing along word-perfect to their medley.

next best thing

Love does not come last. Uh uh. (I defy thee, credit-free online quizzes.) But until it strikes ... okay fine, until I-find-it, weekends like this provide adequate distraction.

In addition to our usual Saturday morning Q-time, N and I spent the evening together - which we don't do very often, my bad. We went for a scenic drive, strolled through Sup Ct Gardens, sat in the foyer of my future workplace, avoided festive (read: drunk & disorderly) folk, stumbled across to the Swan Bells, and made our way back to the car without anyone having to carry anyone else (am glad those formidable years are behind us). The night was still young, so we dropped in at the "Red"-iculously Groovy Nite line-dancing extravaganza where mum was shakin' her booty. The yummier food had already been devoured, the sight of a bunch of post-menopausal women dressed in all shades of red (some of whom with better figures than I) was too much to bear, so we nicked off home for sweets + The Wedding Planner (I'm certainly doing my bit to set N on the straight-&-narrow, aren't I?).

When we'd been assured that the heroine and the hero would together live happily ever after, and mum had returned, I sped to Belle's post-hen's-night at Burswood. It wasn't as if I had to take N for the night and hence couldn't make it to the harem party, but at this stage of my life an entire evening with a group of strangers expressing our collective joy and envy (however heartfelt) for our mutual friend's imminent marital bliss is something I recognise as being optional. Still I feel awful for the option I'd taken, especially since I ended up seeing Belle for only 10min in front of the Money Wheel (the identity of which had previously been unknown to me; there are many wheel-shaped apparatuses at a casino and all of them seem to be concerned with $).

Sunday. N's Tumble & Splash birthday party. I've been to so many of these as to be incapable of making any interesting observations about them. Suffice to say a good time was had by all.

You know you have a friend for life when s/he shows up uninvited to your baby sister's b'day do, present in hand, to provide supplementary entertainment, take over the photography work, and fight the invited guests for the chicken nuggets. In 1 day I found out that I have at least 2 such friends. Although, I wasn't sure whether 1 of them giving the other's phone number to the cute Party Leader was entirely appropriate; it's my job hooking my husband up with the remaining few desirable-&-eligible's in this tiny incestuous town!

Speaking of Hubby, I couldn't have demanded greater enthusiasm from him for our 1st anniversary. We celebrated at Nero's (recommended to the cheapskates amongst you :p instead of tablecloth they give you paper and crayons with which you can get as creative you want), with some company and a Merry Monk (sweet Italian wine which no straight guy would buy by the dozen). The rest of the night involved me declining to visit a strip club, him failing to keep his HB from falling asleep before 9pm, and us having more success coercing his sister into go to the Court for the 1st time. Not much new there, so I'll leave you with the Story of Us.

One year ago on yesterday in an unremarkable suburban cafe, across spag marinara and chicken caesar salad, Girl wearily came out to Boy, whom she has loved and been loved by for some years. 'Wearily', for she had made the spiel too many times in the preceding months to experience any more adrenaline rush but not quite enough to be completely unawkward about it.

Boy grinned the biggest grin that Girl had ever seen him grin, and seemingly froze in that position for what felt like minutes. Eventually Boy came to and chirped something to the effect of Me Too. Once Girl had gotten over the initial classic-histrionic reaction of "How dare you upstage me?!", which did not take very long, she said to Boy that they had just had a moment they were never going to forget.

They embraced and started a new chapter of their lives together. Ever After or no, things haven't been the same since - and will only become curiouser and curiouser.

work product

... as in, the low I stooped to while being bored at work.

Any occasionally-thinking person would not hastily dismiss the proposition that more than 99-point-9-recurring percent of [online] personality tests are total bollocks. But an astute scientist cannot be content with mere intuition. Hence, putting my professional credibility on the line, I am always on the look-out for hard proof.

According to the latest 'test' to which I subjected myself altruistically in the name of Science, my Priorities In Life are:

1. Pride (tiger)
2. Family (horse)
3. Money (pig)
4. Career (cow)
5. Love (sheep)

This result is consistent with what I set out to demonstrate, in so far as:

• Not the most sophisticated or rigorous analysis, deriving the ranking based on the test-taker's relative liking of 5 quadruped mammals. [highlight list to see the corresponding animals]
• Where is, say, Food/Friendship/Fun/World Peace on the list? Heh, heh?
• Family makes it as high as runner-up? Oi I did not want to know that.
• Money before Career - how would that work exactly? Unless the test was psychic or otherwise learned of my secret aspirations in the Chn mafia.
• And what's up with Pride coming 1st and Love last? I mean, didn't it hear about what I've been up to all this year?

On second thought, probably not the most compelling anecdotal evidence with which to support my case. The ranking might not reflect my preferences, but it could well be a foretelling of my destiny. Doh.