girl guide

With the exception of the stint at Kumon which ended abruptly with a voicemail summary dismissal, I tend to stop working at a job weeks, months even, after I think/announce/wish that it's over. It is an unwelcome and inconvenient pattern; but also a seemingly indestructible one.

This morning I gave another campus tour, despite my student-no-more status and the token sum I knew I was getting paid. However, unlike the time I crashed my car on the way home from the Sunflower the day after my supposed last day, or the time I wrote off said car whilst delivering for said restaurant some months later (in order to pay off the insurance excess on the first-mentioned claim), I did not regret today.

I have a gift. (over and above the gift for vehicular collisions) Under-12s are just crazy about me. I don't think it too immodest or exaggerated an assertion. I have N, N's friends, Kumon students, tutees, friends' siblings/offspring, and campus tour participantss like today's to back me up. Hardly a third of the way into the tour my PC Yr3s were ready to kidnap me back to school with them.

I didn't always know that I had this gift. For a time I mistook it as me merely regurgitating or channeling whatever I'd observed mum and her colleagues do at primary school. But if they were my inspiration, I must say that the pupil has overtaken most of her unwitting teachers.

If only I cared less about money, or being judged based on my occupation (those who can't do, teach), or the illusion of a more performative place in the world, I might've more fully exploited the one gift I'd been endowed.

breadth reduction

This post came into existence solely so I can have the above phrase appear on this page. But since I'm here anyway...

As of yesterday I no longer get to answer cryptically "freelance lab-rat" when asked what I do for $$$.

It feels like coming out of a long and tortuous relationship that ended long after it should have. Not that I have the slightest idea what long-term relationships look like; but I imagine they're all much the same (no offence to anyone reading); and then again that could just be me channeling Queen of Bitter.

I will always be grateful for these 3 yrs, because

• It is extremely unlikely (though one can always hope) that I'll ever stumble upon another organisation willing to hire such underqualified ppl (meaning myself, not colleagues).
• I realised that I don't belong in Science, or maybe Science doesn't belong in me - in so many ways. Which I always suspected, but had to make sure, 'cos how could I hastily dismiss the only thing in which I have the smallest aptitude (meaning bluffing/fudging, not sciencing). Oh wait, I haven't passed it up, look where I'm going...
• Academics... what can I say, they make absolutely no sense, yet I understand them completely. Scary, really.
• I found Other Mother.

So, time for self-imposed house arrest. Could be a tad embarassing to fail final semester and have to explain that to prospective employer. And at the moment that risk is 'real and substantial', as opposed to 'far-fetched and fanciful'. <= would you believe the junk that passes for 'legal tests'...

Also - impulse shopping: n. a hereditary condition of disparate manifestations.

killing me softly

Strumming my pain with her trotters. Singeing my life... No more!

Sent off my last ever (*fingers & toes crossed* *touch wood* *say a little prayer*) piggy today. Back to being a regular pig exterminator (nope, haven't become vegetarian - yah I'm abominable). Oh how I've longed for this day!

So what will I take with me from this period of my life?

• "It looks so much like a human." - transplant surgeon / spectator of our crime and reaper of its fruits

And she does. From the texture of her skin, the eyelashed eyes, the fingernails capable of doing serious damage to my forearms, to the body heat that peaks during the wrestle but shortly disappears. I hope I'll be as lucky as Clarice, and not endure the screaming for eternity.

• a partner in crime is a friend in time

I may never know him better than I do right this moment, which is next to nothing, but I'll remember his \\ blood-stained pants out of which he has nothing to change into for the rest of the day \\ contempt for researchers who don't want to get their hands dirty \\ (possibly work-induced) dislocation-prone shoulder and (definitely work-induced) deteriorating hearing \\ lamenting our way-of-starting-the-day \\ tremendous affection for his fiance \\ mainstream taste in, yet endearing commentary on, TV programmes...

• deluxe model metallic peristaltic pump + concentrated nitric acid = trouble + professional suicide

I've really let my Yr 11 chemistry teacher down. For some reason (which shall elude me until the end of time) one sunny afternoon it occurred to me to 'clean' the rusty ol' pump by putting it in our tub of industrial-strength HNO3. Overnight. Did somebody say perish-taltic. The carnage attracted several bewildered onlookers, some gently concealed wrath of my colleagues, as well as the Occupational Health & Safety folk.

• Ideal Job pre-requisite #7: must make me feel that I'm earning my keep

In this case I stopped feeling that since, mid-July? And shocking as it sounds, especially to myself, no amount of fortnightly deposits into my bank account made up for that escalating sense of my wanton destructiveness. Not that I don't absolutely appreciate the deposits. Once or twice I caught myself wishing I had more time (rank helps too) to explain to The Team why I think \\ the experimental design is a total dud / should be scrapped forthwith \\ we could do more to promote the sharing / waste-minimisation of precious animal tissue \\ I want a less non-interventionist Supervisor 'kthx.

But, by-gones! Yay x No. times I hauled a pig carcass into a freezer full of pig carcasses.

mercenary

No idea how I survived last year working 40+ hours a week plus uni plus living with my parents. Tried easing myself back into that nolifestyle by going half-throttle this week (20+ hours' work, ignoring the 2 units with no mid-year exams, dealing with just one parent).

So, lab.

Minuses

• Stuff smells / is radioactive / hides from me
• Regular visits by Azn-wannabe (a politer alternative to 'Asiaphile'?)
• Showing up to tutes afterwards in odourous/radioactive attire
• Being reminded of one man's undying devotion to me whenever I ask him for a work-related favour

Pluses

• $$$ obviously (one of the Honours students asked whether I did it 'voluntarily', whereupon I visibly choked...)
• Internet access 2m from where my gadget is set up
• Getting more study done during the waiting periods than at home (where there's always some matter to attend upon) or in libraries (which categorically put me to sleep)
• The nerd that I am, I get a small kick out of knowing what I'm doing (which kick my legal study seldom provides)
• Did I mention the $$$?

On balance, albeit by a margin, a worthwhile pursuit.

There are prospects of working for this Asian lady lecturer (bugger political correctness) next door. Couple of reservations about the proposal: 1) a general reluctance to work with Azns (I know how hard we work ... our subordinates!); 2) a preconceived inability to maintain sterile conditions (incompatible with any tissue-culture work).

yesterday all my troubles

Wore all black to mourn the passing of timetable-less days. 1 dodgy family business abroad + 2 fauna species on the hit-list + 3 exams 'round the corner = 6 insane weeks to come.

Took preliminary steps toward turning what was once someone else's lab space into my next dungeon. There's a window but, to remind me that outside, day and night just keep on rollin' by.

Detoured on the way home to Find '30 along the river, at nightfall. A small indulgence which has overtaken semi-napping-in-car (whilst car stationary) and composing-incoherent-dribble as Preferred Me-Time. I'd say more about the breathtaking simplicity of Being-Not-Doing etc if I could come up with anything remotely original.