what-a-closet

I am feeling down, and hoping that writing this will distract me awhile, even if not amuse or uplift. If you find some pleasure herein, write something to make me smile - I'm running a tad low on that.

By the heading I'm not, at least not consciously, suggesting that my life is in some kind of metaphoric lavatory; (I feel that) it's nowhere near one. Actually I'm being literal for a change, with the heading. What follows is an exposé of the shortcomings, perceived by me, of being gaysian - alternatively titled: "eight (of many more) reasons why I don't feel completely at one with the Community".

1. I like having long hair. I'm sure I wouldn't mind having short hair either, if I ever get my act together enough to book a hairdresser. I just haven't any special affinity for that spiky black-with-blonde-highlights I-wannabe-Shane-from-TheLWord "boys don't bother" do sported by every other girl in the Community. Except when it's on Shane, of course.
2. My wardrobe is not dominated by men's wear. Moreover, the few items of men's clothing which happen to be in my possession (mostly via mysterious channels unknown to me), I do not wear out on weekends.
3. My personal philosophy on eye make-up: [a] less is more; and [b] unlike in many other contexts, black is not suitable-for-all-occasions.
4. Less than 80% of my social network overlaps with the Community. I like the Community people I know, and meeting new ones. But I also appreciate the small yet rare luxury which comes with not-being-fully-integrated(-yet): of not being introduced as, or to someone who is, so-and-so's ex/current/prospective.
5. My means of stress/boredom relief do not include smoking. And as seductive as I find the way certain girls roll up tobacco in little squares of paper, it would take a helluva lot more before I let one smoke in my car/house.
6. I don't look upon "dirty bisexuals" with contempt and suspicion; not even the ones who turn out really to have been "only in transition".
7. I like hanging out with boys, including the not-so-camp/-fabulous (read: straight) ones. They (generally) don't patronise intimidate frustrate agitate me. Who knows, I might even find one to fall for some day.
8. I can: be obscene without using naughty words; express affection without raising my voice or excessive bodily contact; get in and out of a public toilet in under 10min; crack onto someone without the help of alcohol; ... Hehe.

I should probably apologise for sounding horribly shallow, ignorant, bigoted, stereotyping, inflammatory, antifeminist, misogynistic, or worse. But ha! Maybe I am all of the above. If not all at once, then definitely a bit o' this and that at any given moment.

teaming of the shrew

I seldom whine about study. Sure I whine about everything else, but when it comes to study - I am on the ball. Emphasis being on I. Throw a couple of strangers into the equation, however, the ball promptly slips from right under me, swerves in every direction, defying all laws of nature.

Nope, nothing like a rare dose of Group Assessment to shed light upon the full extent of my anal-retentiveness. The awakening comes about somewhat as follows:

• begin with a high basal level of DoOPA (Distruct of Other People's Abilities)
• add awareness of 1 co-worker's mediocre performance in another subject
• add repeated rejections of my offers to convene and divvy up workload
• agitate with 'explanations' given for non-performance: preparing for interviews(!), no internet (like, get out of the effing cave!), classes(!)

and voila! We have a steamin' Crisis at hand.

All my life, fortune-tellers the world over have been telling me (free of charge and 99% of the time unsolicited) that I am destined to be a leader, not a follower. But before I get there, could somebody please surprise me with a splash of dependability (for fear that competence might be too much to ask for)? So that my time could be more profitably invested in attaining positions of power and influence - instead of in CYA (Covering Your Ass)?

homework

Two emails to write this weekend.

#1 Someone I was once very close to, a long time ago, found out my 'secret' last week from a mutual acquaintance with whom I'd always been on amicable though by no means intimate terms. Yesterday she emailed to apprise me of said discovery, and wondered why I worried about telling her. I did, not for fear of rejection as she speculated, but because I couldn't find time - as pathetic as that sounds. Long and quiet stretches of it, to catch up properly, and paint a balanced picture in which the 'aberration' is but one conspicuous yet peripheral element. She doesn't demand an explanation, I know, but I do of myself - because she matters.

#2 Exhausted and in no condition for obligatory entertainment, I piked on an outing last night. I do this often enough not to have too many qualms about it... until I received the angriest most embittered sms ever from the organiser of said event. I was in the wrong, absolutely, but to be accused of lying and complete disregard for a friendship, and to inspire 'disgust beyond words' - did I deserve that? To boot, by someone I've given a lot of time and patience and thought to, who dare I say hasn't made comparable efforts, and who also happens to routinely bail on me. I shouldn't get worked up by this, maybe I'm in no position to. So I'll only attempt something earnest and unoffensive.

baby did a bad bad thing

... and has been incapable of coherent thought since. Hence the lack of reading material for y'all this past fortnight. Odds are that she won't recover from said BBT (does not stand for bubble tea) anytime soon, but the show must go on.

More undertakings that clog the creative juice pipe:

Tackling job applications and invariably being stuck at the 'aspirational' Qs (What motivated you to apply for this position? What are your goals and how will our organisation help you achieve these? What do you perceive to be our core values and how might you contribute to these? ...) Needless to say I've yet to *finish* even 1 of them buggers.

Filling out tax return 3 times because:
- 1st time e-tax and my laptop's Chn OS didn't get along and kicked up an encoding fuss;
- 2nd time uni network decided that what I wanted to do was an unacceptable security risk and cut me off cold;
- finally, paper form was resorted to, which means waiting considerably longer for my refund.
Dudes I just want my money back!

In other news, got 1 Credit and 2 Distinctions for Sem 1, leaving my average to hover around sixty-nine as it likes to do regardless of my input, and making the job hunting all the more arduous.

no free lunch

scatterbrain / you've been crying in the rain
you've been drowining in your pain / ain't gonna die
do the right thing / win or lose / don't confuse / wednesday's child
walk on by me / don't deny me / anytime

Wednesday's Child - Emiliana Torrini

I was born on a Wednesday. Coincidence? I don't think so.

Meanwhile, just dug out Shania Twain from the <Embarrassing, Hide> corner of my CD collection and put it on. Help!

Because I had sweet-talked the Hard-Boiled Egg into setting up the equipment for my next set of experiments, I heeded his demands for a free Chn lesson plus use of my superbly formatted CV (to say nothing of its content) as a template for his. Which I had no problem with, until he started coming in every 5min to either ask a Chn-related question or bicker about my superior BS-ing abilities. Nothing more unattractive than whinging men.

All this shows is that I too am not above a little manipulation. Gripe as I might about the unwanted attention of HBE or The Stalker or the like, I have no qualms asking any of them for a favour - however large - whenever I need one, without losing any sleep. Tut tut, the heartlessness.

a banana and a hard-boiled egg

For the uninitiated, observe that the former is yellow on the outside and white on the inside, while the reverse is true for the latter.

Last night the alleged banana took the self-proclaimed hard-boiled egg (HBE) for b'day celebrations at a Chn eatery with poor lighting and a strictly Caucasian clientele (i.e. we couldn't've gone lower).

Do you have people you simultaneously like and dislike? I don't mean on an alternating basis - for that's commonplace enough - I mean truly contemporaneous affection and contempt, so as to leave you at a loss for what to do. Well that's HBE to me; I'm told the feeling is mutual.

As I suffered through yet another critique of the Azn female talent among his aquaintances / unveiling of his plans for world domination / attack on my utter lack of conventional ambition, I absent-mindedly beamed with anticipation - of the day I 'show myself' and shock him into permanent speech impediment.

ad(verse)venture

I reserve judgment on this matter, save to observe that last time the guy dabbled in business, he ended up fleeing the Motherland and disappearing from my life for 6 years.

I should be so lucky again... but no. Must engage, lord help me. Being an accomplice in the farce, howsoever unwillingly, 'tis incumbent upon me to minimise the damage. So: mediate, diffuse, facilitate - but mostly sabotage. Ma has taught me well and the fine family tradition (of bailing-him-out) is proudly passed on.

A commission perhaps?