in whose hands?
Oi you with the highbrow questions the serious addressing of which would be utterly at odds with the tenor of this page: how else am I to fob you off if not with a lukewarm diatribe against some illustory obstacle in my way to Total Satisfaction with Everything.
Of course my life is in my hands. Absolutely. At least I need to believe as much. It is not easy to reconcile the fatalistic and opportunistic sides of me; but whenever I contemplate the alternatives to taking things into my own hands, those are even less comforting.
However, this being-in-control-of-one's-own-destiny thing, which no doubt in most parts of the world is a tremendous privilege enjoyed by few, I'm afraid is quite wasted on me. Frankly I find it all a bit overrated. I've always been content with being someone's someone - daughter, friend, sister (no "..." at the end: these three are the only ones that matter). Obviously, I constantly wonder whether my sense of self is so bound up with people's perceptions of me that I have no independent identity to speak of. But really, yes or no, it makes little difference. That is how I relate to the world, and I neither can nor wish to change it.
I can see how this might lead to the conclusion that I simply don't know what I want and am therefore living for others. Which wouldn't be entirely wrong, but wouldn't be the entire picture either. I know what I want as much (or little) as the next person. Some things I want for myself a, some for people in my life b, and some for both in varying proportions c. I don't distinguish between these as I go about my day, trying to make this or that happen. Because if I only get to have things my way a fixed percentage of the time, I don't much mind the a:b:c breakdown. Although, experience shows that a's consistently underperform - hence the misleading inference that I systematically neglect these.
There's also the difficulty of identifying whose life it is that's in my hands. I'll be the first to admit to being a Meddler. What's that adage that's been selfishly appropriated by AA... Grant me serenity to accept the things I can't change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference. Yeah hook me up with some o' that.
Of course my life is in my hands. Absolutely. At least I need to believe as much. It is not easy to reconcile the fatalistic and opportunistic sides of me; but whenever I contemplate the alternatives to taking things into my own hands, those are even less comforting.
However, this being-in-control-of-one's-own-destiny thing, which no doubt in most parts of the world is a tremendous privilege enjoyed by few, I'm afraid is quite wasted on me. Frankly I find it all a bit overrated. I've always been content with being someone's someone - daughter, friend, sister (no "..." at the end: these three are the only ones that matter). Obviously, I constantly wonder whether my sense of self is so bound up with people's perceptions of me that I have no independent identity to speak of. But really, yes or no, it makes little difference. That is how I relate to the world, and I neither can nor wish to change it.
I can see how this might lead to the conclusion that I simply don't know what I want and am therefore living for others. Which wouldn't be entirely wrong, but wouldn't be the entire picture either. I know what I want as much (or little) as the next person. Some things I want for myself a, some for people in my life b, and some for both in varying proportions c. I don't distinguish between these as I go about my day, trying to make this or that happen. Because if I only get to have things my way a fixed percentage of the time, I don't much mind the a:b:c breakdown. Although, experience shows that a's consistently underperform - hence the misleading inference that I systematically neglect these.
There's also the difficulty of identifying whose life it is that's in my hands. I'll be the first to admit to being a Meddler. What's that adage that's been selfishly appropriated by AA... Grant me serenity to accept the things I can't change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference. Yeah hook me up with some o' that.
Labels: by request
posted by In2MeC at 12:36 am
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home